Monday, September 06, 2004

Mark's Mailbag

Hey Mark, I'm pretty sure a guy from Japan won a qualifying heat while in lane 8.
Sorry can't remember the stroke. Regarding women's gymnastics, if you give a bunch of teenage girls some money you can be sure SOME of it will be spent on makeup. -- Richard, (parts unknown)

Response: I believe it was Jean-Paul Sartre that once said, "If you can't remember something, did it really happen?" Of course, he probably said it in French. As for makeup, I'm guessing the plane to Athens had a stopover in Newark.

I'm sorry but the only thing you said right in that Madden article is that they should bring back Boomer. He was the only one with the [cajones] to correct some of Al Michaels mistakes. He makes a lot of them and nobody says a thing to him. They probably forced boomer off the show because he was making Al look dumb. Al is the one who needs to go. His time is over. -- Anthony Sosa, New Jersey

Response: And, and, and, and that's the thing. If you're not going to agree with me, then you're going to disagree with me. The removal of Al Michaels would require a miracle, one that I simply can't believe.

I think Joe Namath should be on MNF. In fact, I think I am going to buy a Namath throwback jersey and ask random [women] if they would kiss me. -- Steve, New York

Response: Forget the jersey. Get a full-length mink coat and 1973 pink-tinted sunglasses and walk around saying, "This is big plaaaaay for the Jets." You'll be just as successful in your quest for smooching with chicks.

Dear Mark: I'm working for the summer in Italy, and dearly miss New York sports, New York life, and long for New York customer service ineptitude (Italy's is by
far among the world's worst). I read the NY papers every morning (90% of the time is devoted to the sports sections) to see if the Jets or Knicks might be closer to an elusive championship, only to be greeted with mockery and cynicism of a bunch of
armchair quarterbacks and courtside columnists. So I clicked on "empathizing with Isiah," and loved it - i looked at your other columns as well - fantastic stuff! I enjoyed your J-E-T-S morning. The "7:15 - 'oh hell no!' " was pulitzer-worthy. -- Neil, U.S. Embassy in Rome

Response: How do you say, "I'm a sucker for praise and accolades" in Italian?

The Jankees aren’t going to be around for Game 5. Pitching wins playoff games, and frankly, Legs could do a better job than 2/3 of the staff right now. Oh, by the way, tell those idiots to STOP writing about hockey. Nobody cares…

Steve, New York

Response: Your disdain for hockey makes me think you're an intelligent person. Just like Sonny says in "A Bronx Tale," "Nobody cares." Except for the Canadians who migrated to our fine country and those three drunk dudes in the back of Charley O's at Penn Station wearing tethered Ron Greschner jerseys after another Rangers loss. As for those Yankees, El Duque is the Game 1 starter, Game 2 set-up man, Game 3 long-man, Game 4 starter and Game 5 whatever they need.

First of all, Drago said that Rocky was like a piece of iron, not steel. Secondly, I cannot believe that that you did not mention the similarities between Richard Jefferson and the robot Paulie gets for his birthday, before paulie gives it an overhaul. Both are stiff robotic, slow, and basically useless at this point in time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAULIE (weird syntho-pop playing from the stereo). Finally, Okefor is Rocky's kid - too young, has no purpose except to get in the way, and when he asks Rocky (Iverson) why he takes so many shots, the response is "I shoot so you don't have to."

Tim, New York

Response: Pure genius. I should have not included this e-mail in this mailbag because the powers that be might want to hire you instead of me. The world may need ditch-diggers, but I have a herniated disc in my back, so I wouldn't be effective. Please keep reading this column, but I'm not sure if I can keep taking these jabs to the face.

That wraps up our first mailbag of the season. No animals were harmed in the writing of this mailbag. The next one will post when I receive enough intelligent e-mails in which to respond.

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