Wednesday, October 20, 2004

A Bronx tale

Torn between rooting for the Yankees super-fan style in Game 7 tonight and hoping to see a historic collapse and the idiot Yankee fans (yes, they exist) moronically complaining about losing in a city that has produced more baseball playoff excitement in the past 10 years than other cities get in a lifetime across all sports, I turned to my spiritual guru to guide me through these tumultuous hours.

Perhaps Sonny, the no-last-name-having wiseguy played by Chazz Palminteri, can help with this Bronx tale. So I rented a gray, double-breasted suit and a white tie, opened up a bottle of white wine, made a dish of linguini, slicked the hair back and summoned the goodfella spirits for a late-night quid pro quo with Sonny, the man who had five fingers but only used three. Here’s how it went:

Me: As a Yankee fan, should I care if they become the first team in baseball postseason history to blow a 3-0 series lead?
Sonny: Nobody cares.

Me: But Derek Jeter looked so downtrodded after losing Game 6?
Sonny: Well, let’s see if Derek Jeter pays your rent.

Me: Jeter, A-Rod, Sheff, Rivera, Matsui, Mussina. These guys are great. How can I not root for them? They put the wind in the Yankees’ sails.
Sonny: Kid, you only get three great ones.

Me: OK, I’ll take Pettitte in Game 5 of 1996 World Series, Jeter in Game 3 of the 2001 ALDS against Oakland and Aaron Boone in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. What about you, Sonny? Who are your three great ones?
Sonny: Me, I had my three when I was 16. What are you gonna do?

Me: But they try so hard all the time.
Sonny: The working man is a sucker.

Me: My friends say I should root for Boston.
Sonny: Your friends are j------s.

Me: What about this Babe Ruth curse thing? Is he really floating about the Stadium watching the game?
Sonny: It’s about availability. Those who like the Babe are happy because he’s close by. Those who want to hurt the Yankees think twice because they know he’s close by.

Me: How do you think Game 7 will play out?
Sonny: These Red Sox will walk into the Stadium, Steinbrenner will lock the gates so now they can’t leave, then the Yankees will go to work with the bats. Before the Red Sox drag their bloodied bodies onto the bus after the game, Torre will run up to them, look Francona in the face and say, “Remember me, I’m the one that did this to you.”

Me: Thanks, Sonny. You’re always right.


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