Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Mustache Maxim

The real idiots here are those who continue to refuse to intentionally walk David Ortiz. But that’s not what this is about because there is a bigger idiot than anyone in a Red Sox uniform right now: Tom Gordon.

Never trust a guy with a mustache. That’s what they always say, and by “they” I mean myself, Lawyer friend Tim, Lawyer friend Steve and whoever repeats that sentence when we say it to them.

In case you don’t believe me, we’ll take a tour through history to help support the theory. But, first, a breakdown of Gordon’s ALCS performance:

  • Game 1: 0.2 IP, 2 ER
  • Game 2: 0.2 IP, 0 ER
  • Game 3: 1 IP, 0 ER
  • Game 4: 2 IP, 0 ER
  • Game 5: 0.2 IP, 2 ER
  • Totals: 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 H, 2 BB, 3 K, 7.20 ERA

    That’s a pathetic ERA for a supposed dominant set-up man. Kudos to Fox broadcasting (did I really just write that?) for giving us so many close-up shots of Gordon during this series. They gave us a chance to examine the Gordon ’stache. It’s a perfect strip of hair across his upper lip. There is no curve to it, no shape, no character. It’s an f-bombing unibrow disguised as a mustache. It’s got D.S. written all over it.

    A brief pause to define the mustache in the Mustache Maxim: beards and goatees do not count, nor do character mustaches such as ones with handlebars or ones that extend down to the chin like a goatee without the accompanying chin patch.

    Gordon has a run-of-the-mill mustache, which means he cannot be trusted in a big spot. And seeing how we’re in the playoffs, every spot is big. Shave the ’stache and maybe he could save a game for the Yankees instead of imploding on the mound like was still wearing a Boston jersey.

    Which brings us to another theory working here: “Once a Red Sock, always a Red Sock.” In conjunction with the Mustache Maxim, this is deadly. It’s like oil and vinegar, Simon & Garfunkel, cats & dogs, J. Lo and Ben Affleck. It may be too much for any one team to overcome, even a team that includes the impervious Derek Jeter and the half-asleep Joe Torre.

    Now for some historical significance to the Mustache Maxim. A brief look at famous people who chose to allow hair to grow on their upper lip and nowhere else on their face:

  • Adolf Hitler: A compelling historical figure, but a real $*&@^#* (insert curse word or words of choice here).
  • Burt Reynolds: His entire acting career centered around his mustache, and for every “Cannonball Run” and “Boogie Nights,” there’s a “Smokey & the Bandit III” and a “Rent-a-cop.”
  • Eddie Murphy: "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Delirious" were awesome movies, but did you ever see “The Adventures of Pluto Nash?” Exactly. You can never be sure of an Eddie Murphy movie anymore. Sad, given his Long Island roots.
  • Tom Selleck: Had early success with the mustache Magnum, P.I., but wised up as the ’90s kicked in and shaved it for his role on Friends.
  • Ravishing Rick Rude: He was a professional wrestler, which means his life was based on deception.
  • Dr. Phil: Any self-respecting man knows better than to continue paying attention when their ladies quote Dr. Phil. He knows less about men than men do.
  • Alex Trebek: He pretends to be the most intelligent man in America, but it’s all a ruse. He has the answers on the Jeopardy cards in front of him. He probably cheated his way through high school.
  • Lando Calrissian: He f-bombing sold out Han Solo in “The Empire Strikes Back.”
  • Frank Lopez: The hassa tried to have Tony Montana killed in “Scarface.” Montana was his employee, then he tries to rub him out? Not to be trusted. Why? It’s the ’stache.
  • Don Corleone: Hey, I loved “The Godfather,” but he was a murdering, loansharking, bootlegging criminal. And he had one of those thin-lined mustaches. When searching for shadiest guy in the room, always begin with the thin-stached people. They walk in the shade, even on a sunny day in the desert with no clouds.

    There are many more, but you get the point. Tom Gordon cannot be trusted to get a key out for the Yankees. Remove the mustache and that could change. Maybe A-Rod can shell out a few bucks for a Mach 3 razor and some cream.

    (Note: There are three exceptions to the rule – Cliff Claven from “Cheers,” Viper from “Top Gun,” and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)