Saturday, October 09, 2004

Twin Killings

The Twins should be banned from baseball. Contraction simply isn't good enough. They should be condemned to a life without baseball and a life filled with John Tesh and Yanni CDs played on endless loop from now until it snows at the equator.

Though I fully plan on resuming my Yankee fandom once the ALCS starts (since I have no choice but to do the work that accompanies such a series, I might as well root for my team to win; besides, another ALCS against the Red Sox is far more exciting than a World Series), for now I will bash the Twins for not doing what they were supposed to do, which is knock off the Yankees in the ALDS and make my occupational life a little bit easier this October.

With the blowing of leads in 50 percent of the games in the ALDS, the Twins have subjected New Yorkers, Tri-Staters and those watching on satellite around the world to the following list of travesties that could have been prevented without involving the Centers for Disease Control, the FCC and all-around non-sensical judgment:

1) A barrage of idiotic man-on-the-street interviews where fans' voices drop three octaves, intelligent quotients plummet like the NASDAQ when Alan Greenspan wakes up cranky, and everyone seems to become Nostradamus. Likely, these are the same people who call radio stations and say the Yankees should trade Miguel Cairo and CJ Nitkowski for Barry Bonds and think the Giants would do that.

2) A barrage of idiotic man-on-the-street interviews that wind up being man-from-the-bar interviews.

3) A virtual cornucopia of unbiased television "journalists" who conduct slice-of-life interviews for news stations wearing a Yankee hat. As if that makes the impact of what's being said so much stronger.

4) The perennial "I've always been a Yankee fan," as if the time continuum starts on Oct. 10 and continues until the season ends.

5) More shots of Ben Lopez, excuse me Ben Garner, oopsies, Ben Affleck at Fenway Park in his Red Sox hat. Like his presence in the ballpark makes a difference to the viewers or ratings. Like he paid for those seats.

6) More Stephen King, more bad "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" jokes.

7) More Michael Kay, more John Sterling and more Charley Steiner. That never starts off as a good idea.

8) Shameless plugs of good actors in bad FOX shows.

9) More heartache for Bostonians, which could lead to a blood donor shortage on the entire Eastern seaboard.

10) More meaningless insights and master-of-the-obvious comments from Tim "I jumped the shark about 13 years ago" McCarver.

11) 32 unnecessary pages of newsprint in New York, per day, devoted to ridiculous stories about a Boston cop's sister who married a New York City Department of Sanitation worker whose father is a Yankee fan and mother is a Red Sox fan.

12) "Great for baseball" quotes from Bud Selig.

Thank you Minnesota. Thank you for being worthless and heartless. But then again, what else can we expect from a state that votes Jesse "The Body" Ventura into its highest office?

E-mail me