Monday, November 01, 2004

Election Day Voter's Guide

Even if you’ve been caught up in Bostonian revelry the past few days, or are completely focused on the Jets’ Monday night game againt Miami, surely you realize that Tuesday is Election Day.

CNN, MSNBC, CNBC and every other telecommunicative acronym says this is the most important election in our country’s history, so it must be true. (George Washington could only afford basic service, so he refused to go on those other pay-cable shows.)

I would never cast my political views on other people because Agnostic Fundamentalism isn’t my style. But I do agree that this election is bigger than Nino Brown, so I came up with a way to reach the sports fan.

Here is the inaugural Mark La Monica’s Voter Guide, based on the candidates appearing on New York’s ballot:

George W. Bush (Republican)
He bought the Texas Rangers in 1989, then sold his interests in the team in 1994. The baseball strike canceled the postseason. Also in 1994. Not until 1996 did the Rangers finally make the playoffs, two years after Bush left. Texas reached the playoffs in three of the four full seasons following Bush’s departure. He traded Sammy Sosa and two others for perpetual DH Harold Baines and Fred Manrique. That’s right. Fred f-bombing Manrique. That should eliminate the Texas vote, if they (and their shotguns) aren’t loaded, but it could make Illinois a red state. Curious sidenote: whatever happened to Fred Manrique. Fred, if you’re reading this, give me a shout out. I also wonder if Bush’s Cabinet members are on steroids and he, using his baseball experience, decided to look the other way.

John Kerry (Democrat)
Maybe he likes the Red Sox, maybe he doesn’t. But he’s a huge fan of Manny Ortiz. Aye, Papi! One could argue that he did what MVP voters wanted to do, which is merge Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz into one über-hitter. One could also argue he’s a sports idiot. Both seem viable. But he did set a campaign record for being photographed playing the most amount of sports. (Note: The hunting photo doesn’t count because guns don’t play sports, people play sports.) And he never helped destroy a franchise by trading Sosa, nor was he part of a group that allowed the cancellation of its sport’s playoffs. He likely never even voted to put Bud Selig in charge of anything, nor vote to remove Fay Vincent from his charge as commissioner of baseball. If Bush had showed such conviction with his Cabinet selections, maybe much of the country’s problems wouldn’t be as bad. Hmmm?

Kerry’s cause was boosted by the Green Bay Packers beating the Redskins in Washington. Since 1936, the outcome of Washington’s final home game before a presidential election has determined the next president. If Washington wins, the incumbent does too. If the visitor wins, it’s a brave new world. However, trusting this theory this year seems difficult. Not because of the candidates, but because trusting Brett Favre this year isn’t as easy.

Ralph Nader (Independent)
I’m all for consumer advocacy, but this guy looks waaaaay too much like the guy who played Sonny Red in “Donnie Brasco.” And we all know what happened to Sonny Red. He had poor underlings who couldn’t gather for enough intelligence to tell him he was about to get whacked.

Roger Calero (Socialist Workers)
Once arrested for selling weed to a cop, so he’ll likely earn the NBA’s votes. He’s also a raging Communist, and given their inability to produce non-drug-enhanced Olympians, the NBA may withdraw its support. Plus, he was born in Nicaragua, making it constitutionally illegal for him to serve as president of the U.S. of A.

Michael Badnarik (Libertarian)
If only he had actor Stephen Bauer walking down the streets of America in a wife-beater sweating up a storm and chanting “Liberte! Liberte!,” he might have had a chance to earn a few votes outside of his family and those he went to college with. Come to think of it, I wonder if he went to college. Hang on, let’s see what Google says . . . a ha! He’s a Hoosier. He was there during Bobby Knight’s perfect 32-0 season of 1975-76, but was powerless to stop the made-for-ESPN movie “Season on the Brink,” so I must immediately question his ability to lead a nation.

David Cobb (Green)
No relation to Ty Cobb, which may or may not hurt his chances. Of course, no one outside of his family and Ralph Nader knows who the f-bomb this guy, so that may hurt his chances, too.

Michael Anthony Peroutka (Constitution)
This political genius resigned from his position with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services when he realized none of his projects were constitutionally permissible. That’s some Fred Wilpon stuff right there, i.e. Art Howe “lighting up the room.” Who exactly was in that room and why were they sitting in the dark?

Hope this helps you make up your mind. Come to think of it, I hope you use none of this to make your decision, but maybe it made you laugh a little and got you to start thinking about the election.

To quote my favorite Diddy, “Vote or die!”

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