Thursday, November 11, 2004

Rapping with Ron

Just when I thought Latrell Sprewell set the bar at an unattainable height with his "I gotta feed my family" gem when discussing his $14 million contract, along comes Queensbridge's finest.

Ron Artest now leads the NBA in idiotic moves. This is no small feat, either. With a cast of characters that can make the Kids in the Hall look like high-fallutant lawyers in an Ivy League secret society, the NBA has found its new leader in Ron Artest.

This guy asked his Indiana Pacers coach Rick Carlisle for time off to rest. It appears he was too tired from promoting his soon-to-be-released rap album.

I know what you're thinking. What label would sign a man who went 4-for-10 from the field and committed five turnovers, single-handedly costing St. John's a berth in the Final Four in 1999? Amazing, isn't it?

I cannot begin to discuss the insanity of Ron Artest (in this situation or in any other one he comes up with) because journalism ethics prevent me from f-bombing cursing like a sailor at the brothel on a weekend pass. But I can say that Ron Artest has a mustache, so he can't be trusted. (see The Mustache Maxim)

Sports, especially selfish basketball players getting paid like a corrupt politician in Colombia, are all about stats. So, let's look at where Artest ranks among the NBA ballers turned hip-hop ballers:

Worst Basketball-players-turned-rappers:
  • 1, tie) Cedric Ceballos
  • 1, tie) Dana Barros
  • 1, tie) Allen Iverson
  • 1, tie) Kobe Bryant
  • 1, tie) Ron Artest
  • 1, tie) Jason Kidd
  • 1, tie) Dennis Scott
  • 1, tie) Chris Mills
  • 1, tie) Bryan Shaw
  • 1, tie) Gary Payton
  • 11) Shaquille O'Neal

    Note: The first five names I knew. The next five I spent 38 minutes researching online (and I have a cable modem). I may have more problems than Artest.

    And just for fun:

    Best Rappers-turned-basketball-players:
    1) Master P
    2) Ice Cube (the one-handed driving hook-layup he hit in the "It was a good day" video is more undefendable than Kareem's skyhook)
    3) Silkk the Shocker
    4) Mark Wahlberg (kid can shoot from outside, just watch "The Italian Job")
    5) Shaquille O'Neal (his verse on Fu-Schnickens' "What's up Doc? (Can we Rock?)" was good enough to put the Big Aristotle on both lists)
    6) Lil' Bow Wow (ever see "Like Mike?")

    Artest's album hits stores Nov. 23. What's the musical equivalent of straight-to-video movies? Ah, yes, it's Ron Artest.