Monday, November 22, 2004

Weekend Update, starring Ron Artest

Many people deserve the blame for the latest episode involving Rappin' Ron Artest.

But there's one person in this world who is loving all the attention Artest received this weekend. And no, it's not me, but if I see the video of Jermaine O'Neal cold-cocking that fan in the home Pistons jersey, who is as stupid as he is rotund, I will crack three ribs from laughing so hard. As it is, I'm listed as questionable for next week.

Lloyd Carr is a huuuuuuuuuge fan of Rappin' Ron Artest. Carr had the unfortunate pleasure of taking his Michigan Wolverines to Columbus, Ohio, so they could lose to Ohio State in one of the two best rivalries in college football on Saturday. Carr also had the fortunate pleasure of coaching in Michigan, the same state that houses the trainwreck of a city known as Detroit, which staged the greatest/worst fight in professional sports history.

Rappin' Ron Artest definitely deflected some of the crapola that Carr would have received for losing to Ohio State. The Detriot News and Free Press gave the bigger play on its Sunday front page to Artest.

There's another person happy with Rappin' Ron Artest. And yes, this time it is me. He gave me a perfect theme for Vol. 3 of the growing-by-the-week-in-popularity Weekend Update. So, I shall recap this weekend's events and then ask "What would Rappin' Ron Artest do?" in this situation. Look over your shoulder before reading. You never know when you might walk into a Stephen Jackson haymaker.

Let's begin:

* Phil Dawson missed two easy field goals, allowing the Jets to come back for the 10-7 road win. This after hitting 27 of the first 27 field goals he attempted this season. But it's about time the state of Ohio did something beneficial for New Yorkers, what with that whole power outage thing two summers ago and that brain-cell outage on Election Day.
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He and O'Neal would jump out of the stands, run up to Dawson and kick him through the uprights for a 38-yard field goal. In keeping with his New York roots, Artest would then go Jimmy Dix and launch a football into the Jets' booth, taking out Paul Hackett. And really, who would blame Artest for that one?

* Eli Manning made his first NFL start. He could have won the game in the final minutes. He didn't. Good to know one NFL Manning is still human.
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He'd hire Kurt Warner to help promote records for his label. Warner doesn't have much to do anymore and he could help Artest, who last week wanted a month off to promote Allure's new R&B album. Then, he'd punch Manning if for no other reason than he walked in front of Artest.

* Jermaine Wiggins goes Hulk Hogan and drops the big elbow on the football after scoring a touchdown early in Minnesota's 22-19 win over Detroit. Let's not forget Minnesotans did elect Jesse "The Body" Ventura its governor a few years back.
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He'd line up Wiggins for a straight right to the jaw. But professional wrestling is fake, so the punch would not be on every news station in the Western hemisphere and Artest would still play for the Indiana Pacers . . . until his next brush with stupidity. Wiggins would likely catch Artest off-guard with a sunset flip, hook the tights and get the quick win in the classi "Loser Leaves Town" match.

* Money is getting tossed at Pedro Martinez like he was a blue-chip college football recruit. A lunch with George Steinbrenner is worth an extra 365 days and $13 million to Boston. The Boss may turn this into a strange bidding war between himself and the machine behind the bullpen that prints his money. Will the ink hold out, or will George just buy a new machine?
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He'd convince Steinbrenner to lower the cost of beer at Yankee Stadium. With Artest roaming the stands for home games, fans will go broke even faster throwing their $7.50 beers at him. The move is celebrated by the media, who hail Steinbrenner as the best benevolent dictator since Jim Fassel.

* St. John's won its season opener for coach Norm Roberts. Granted it was against Wagner, but any win for the Red Storm this season will be viewed as a tremendous accomplishment. History Channel has already begun the documentary.
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He'd yell at his teammates, watch his coach get fired, then lead his team to the brink of a Final Four only to collapse in the clutch. Oh wait, he already did that for St. John's.

* UNC upset the UConn women in basketball on Sunday afternoon, giving the Huskies their earliest loss since the 1995-96 season. Such dominance deserves praise.
What would Rappin' Ron Artest do? He'd punch Geno Auriemma right in the grill because such early lack of focus is not the way to win a championship, which is something Artest told us precisely 812 times from his car during an ESPN interview last week. However, Auriemma, being the tough Philly guy that he is -- oh yeah, and he's a guido (cultured, but a guido nonetheless) -- catches Artest's hand and squeezes. Auriemma's hair never moves an inch as he reduces the bones in Artest's ring finger to ashes. Auriemma then rips open his $200 Armani shirt, exposes the $38 wife-beater and drops the People's Elbow on Artest. "This is something David Stern and your mama should have done a long time ago," Auriemma screams. Auriemma throws down, pummeling Artest for six minutes. But wait, what's this? It's . . . it's . . . it's Jamaal Tinsley. And it looks like he's carrying a . . . a . . is that a? . . . yes, Tinsley has a dustpan. And here comes Jermaine O'Neal and Stephen Jackson to rescue their fallen teammate. It's pandemonium. Haymakers all over the place. Only Barry Tompkins can announce such a chaotic fight. Here comes Ben Wallace. O'Neal throws a left hook, but it's absorbed by Wallace's afro. The fans are throwing chairs. What's this? It's Andrew Golota with seven straight punches below the belt to Jackson. Spike Lee, in his LJ jersey, has his hands around Reggie Miller's neck. Miller is breathing without a problem, but appears upset that Lee hasn't made a good movie since 1988. Just as Larry Brown gets a noogie from Ric Flair and an eye gouge from Magnum T.A., a figure appears at midcourt. He raises his right hand toward the sky and order is restored. The Pacers are escorted to jail. Auriemma sits down at the foul line with a plate of rigatoni and a fresh gel job. Three hours later, NBA commissioner David Stern released a statement. It was one sentence: "I am God."

E-mail me