Monday, December 06, 2004

Weekend Update gets mushed

The key script lines for the fifth installment of the critically acclaimed Weekend Update go like this:

"Eddie Mush was a degenerate gambler. He was also the biggest loser in the whole world. They called him Mush because everything he touched turned to mush. He would go to the racetrack and the teller would give him his tickets already ripped up."

It comes from the movie "A Bronx Tale," a fine coming-of-age film with Robert DeNiro, Chazz Palminteri and assorted other Italian actors perpetuating stereotypes of Italians and gangsters.

Eddie Mush (seated on the right next to Frankie Coffeecakes) was all about bad luck, and his presence was felt pretty much every day this week as life basically took a dump on my head from Tuesday right up to, and for laughs, through Sunday night.

So, with no animosity (except for Brock Berlin), I bring to you the "Who got mushed?" look at the weekend:

Let's see. The Auburn Tigers beat Tennessee to complete a perfect 12-0 season. This occurred in the SEC, widely considered the best conference in college football. Auburn cannot play for the national championship by virtue of its No. 3 ranking in the BCS rankings. Auburn got mushed.

Notre Dame
Perhaps the biggest mushing of the week, the year, the decade. Athletic Director Kevin White canned head coach Tyrone Willingham after three years. It is widely assumed by everyone other than Urban Meyer that Urban Meyer will take the job. He went to Florida. Notre Dame got mushed.

Jack Del Rio
He called a straight-up-the-gut run on third-and-3 from the Steelers' 16-yard line with 2:16 left. Rather than play to win, he delayed the mushing. Oh, Jacksonville kicked the field goal for the 16-14 lead, but left 1:50 on the clock. Predictably, Ben "Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me?" Roethlisberger marched his Steelers down the field for the decisive field goal. Predictably, this was done against a soft defense. The Jaguars got mushed. They should put Del Rio in the bathroom.

College basketball fans
I watched my No. 11 North Carolina Tar Heels wreck those No. 8 Kentucky Wildcats on Saturday afternoon. Oh wait, that's a giant lie because network executives opted not to show a great December matchup between the two winningest programs in Division I history. Instead, we were treated to Notre Dame vs. Michigan and that instant classic Maryland vs. George Mason. We got mushed.

Tom Coughlin
A fifth straight loss for the Giants has me wondering if Coughlin tried to park in Jim Fassel's spot on the street, who would GM Ernie Accorsi defend? The Giants allowed the Redskins to score more than 20 points for the first time all season. Eli Manning put up another dumper of a game, and the Giants got mushed.

Marion Jones
Eventual convicted felon Victor Conte went on national television and dropped bombs on how he helped Marion Jones take steroids and cheat for the 2000 Olympics. Whether or not you believe Conte, it didn't look good for Jones, who yes, you guessed it, got mushed. (It is worth noting that Conte has a mustache, and we all know you can't trust a guy with a mustache, especially one that doesn't even stretch entirely across the upper lip.)

Victor Conte
Eventual convicted felon Victor Conte went on national television and dropped bombs on how he helped Marion Jones take steroids and cheat for the 2000 Olympics. Whether or not you believe Conte, it didn't look good for Conte, who gave the prosecution plenty of material to stick in their legal needle and inject into Conte on cross-examination.

Jason Giambi
This mamaluke took a needle and stabbed himself in the stomach. Repeatedly. No amount of clear, cream, red beans, clomid or "flaxseed oil" can undo this self-injected mushing.

Mark La Monica
I defended Barry Bonds for the last four years. I got mushed.

Brock Berlin
This Miami Hurricane quarterback finally stopped living someone else's life. He showed why he was recruited by the Florida Gators -- he choked in the big game and can't deal with the lore of Miami. On the final possession, trailing Virginia Tech 16-10 with the ACC championship and a berth in the Sugar Bowl on the line, he had three of his four passes deflected at the line or by a defensive back. The other pass, well Berlin was kind enough to completely miss everyone in sight. Miami got mushed. But as us Hurricane fans in the North say, "Brock is God, but I'm an atheist."

The Knicks
It appears the New York Knickerbockers were in control of a game down in Charlotte, against the lowly expansion Bobcats (perhaps the best college team ever assembled, next to those Clippers teams of the early 1990s). Upon next glance at the television screen, the Knicks lost to the Bobcats, 107-101. A mushing on the road is still a mushing.