Monday, January 17, 2005

Weekend Update: Brien is Finkle, Finkle is Brien

Doug Brien.

There, I said it. For the final time in my life, I used those two words in succession. From here onward, he'll be known simply as D.B. Deal with that as you wish. It's as bad a curse word as that former Philadelphia Eagles coach who guide the Jets off a cliff like he was playing chicken against a leather-jacket tough guy in some 1958 movie.

After a week off from the Weekend Update (judging by the 32 million e-mails I received last week, you were clearly unnerved by its absence), we're back with a vengeance. No themes this week, though. Just straight-up hardcore mockery and brutality, the bulk of which will be directed at the New York Jets. So let's get started:

* Dick Curl should call Flavor Flav for some help coaching the clock. Surely, Flav can give the "clock coach" a few pointers on how to tell time. Or, at the very least, Curl should be forced to wear the Flavor Flav alarm clock (yes, it exists) around his neck AND that big wristwatch worn by the Fresh Prince's mother in the video "Parents just don't understand" since he clearly doesn't know how to tell time.

* D.B. in Finkle. Finkle is D.B. Am I suggesting D.B. have a sex-change operation, become a police detective, kidnap Chad Pennington and try to sabotage the Super Bowl when the Jets make it there next year in some sort of bizarre real-life twist to "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?" I am suggesting D.B. have a sex-change operation, become a police detective, kidnap Chad Pennington and try to sabotage the Super Bowl when the Jets make it there next year in some sort of bizarre real-life twist to "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective."

* Laces out, Toby!

* The Hackett Watch is on. Another three-point outing by his offense has us Jets fans wondering why we jumped the gun and recruited from USC so soon. We get Hackett, USC gets Norm Chow, Pete Carroll and two national championships.

* Well, at least we have eight more months before the next draw play.

* It's going to be a shame watching LaMont Jordan rush for more than 2,000 yards next season as a member of the Miami Dolphins, Oakland Raiders or Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

* Heath Miller is a unanimous All-American tight end from Virginia who declared himself eligible for this year's NFL draft. That is worth repeating. Heath Miller is a unanimous All-American tight end from Virginia who declared himself eligible for this year's NFL draft. That, too, is worth repeating, especially in the April days leading up to the draft.

* How does a person such as D.B. continually get jobs in the NFL when his success rate on field goals between 40-49 yards is 73 percent? That is not very good. I'm sorry but a 49-yard field goal or shorter has to be made. He gets financially compensated to perform the responsibilites outlined by the job description. It's always pitiful when someone can't do their job properly yet still collect a paycheck. Look around your office right now. Surely, you see at least three people in a similar situation. D.B. will get cut soon, if not by the Jets then likely by a subway rider or cab driver. In my high school, 73 was a failing grade. And we didn't get extra-credit chances at redemption like D.B. did.

* Gotta love Donnie Henderson. Let's just hope he stays with the Jets for a few more seasons.

* Chad Pennington, meet Dr. James Andrews. Dr. James Andrews, meet Chad Pennington.

* Perhaps a new offensive coordinator finally will figure out how to effectively utilize the speed of Santana Moss.

* Does anyone know if Joe Beningo is still alive?

* D.B. poisoned my Kool-aid.

And in other sports news:

* Peyton Manning took a dump on himself again. In the playoffs. In Foxboro. Against the Patriots. Against Bill Belichick. Perhaps some of that magic brother Eli has rubbed off on Peyton during a family dinner.

* Tom Brady = Joe Montana.

* We must root for Atlanta to beat the Eagles this coming Sunday. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is I will be able to write: "After losing a fourth straight NFC championship game, the Philadelphia Eagles can only aspire to the greatness achieved by the Buffalo Bills, losers of four straight Super Bowls." Oh what a glorious paragraph that will be.

* The Knicks? Yeah, they still stink. And getting stinkier by the day.

* Minnesota's Mike Tice still remains the worst coach in the NFL not named Jim Haslett.

* The Yankees didn't sign anyone over the weekend. Such winter rarity begets noteworthiness.

* People care so little about the NHL, I'm wondering if anyone even remembers there is still a lockout going on.

* St. John's came very close to beating a talented Notre Dame team. In football, this is a huge feat, especially since St. John's no longer has a football team. Yet, in men's basketball, it's an even bigger feat.

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