Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Boss and Bellamy Road

One stable boasts a champion in waiting. The other stable is full of financial champions and just a sprinkle of true champions.

So what would happen if George Steinbrenner, the 74-year-old owner of early Kentucky Derby favorite Bellamy Road and the underachieving New York Yankees, gets confused? What if he has a “senior moment” this week and starts barking out final-authority orders to the wrong people?

Some things we might see:

1) There he is, waiting on the final turn at Churchill Downs, Luis “Send ’em home” Sojo, waving Bellamy Road around to the finish line.
Anticipated result: Bellamy Road finishes out of the money, just like every Yankee runner that gets thrown out at the plate by 15 feet with Sojo coaching third.

2) No way? Way! Steinbrenner finally sends Kevin Brown out to posture.
Anticipated result: Brown winds up in your next bottle of Elmer’s glue.

3) Bellamy Road faltering at the finish line and Brian Cashman having to answer to the Boss.
Anticipated result: Steinbrenner buys the Derby winner and races him at the Preakness and Belmont Stakes.

4) Bellamy Road’s jockey makes a bad move and gets pinned in along the rail.
Anticipated result: The jockey gets dealt to the Newark Bears and is hit by a John Rocker fastball in the eighth inning. Before the end of the ninth inning, Rocker is signed by the Yankees.

5) New centerfielder Hideki Matsui makes three errors this week.
Anticipated result: (TURN ON BOB SHEPPARD VOICE) “Ladies and gentlemen. Batting second, playing centerfield, Bellamy Road.” (TURN OFF BOB SHEPPARD VOICE)

6) Bernie Williams does not play the rest of the week.
Anticipated result: Williams is put out to pasture.

Oops, that one already happened. My bad.

7) Bellamy Road jockey’s whipping mechanics get all out of whack.
Anticipated result: Organizational pitching guru Billy Connors is called in to fix the situation.
Anticipated ripple effect: Javier Vazquez and Jeff Weaver win big on a High Fly-Don’t Get Mad exacta.

8) Bellamy Road wins the Derby.
Anticipated result: “He’s a true Yankee.”

9) The Tampa office and New York office of the Yankees meet to hammer out issues.
Anticipated result: Nick Zito becomes the new pitching coach and Bob Baffert the new third-base coach. Joe Torre retires to wash the horses in the stable and Sojo becomes a rider.

10) Mariano Rivera blows an easy save on Saturday.
Anticipated result: Joe Pesci, reprising his scene from the movie "Easy Money," sprints onto the field and jumps on Rivera.