Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The definitely-not-sarcastic list of why Carlos Beltran will fail

Greetings, sports fans. I'm sure most of you are wondering what nuclear power plant is affecting my brain to make me diss the Mets' newest acquisition. But let me assure you, no brain cells were harmed in the making of this blog.

Like most Mets fans, my initial reaction to the news of Carlos Beltran's signing was satisfaction, followed by glee, joy, and a Namath-like desire to kiss everyone. Could you blame me? Beltran has speed, power, defense, and clutch-hitting... He's like a miniature Griffey, circa 1998. He's the most exciting player in Mets history; and the biggest free agent signing they've ever had.

But after listening to hours of wonderfully insightful sports talk radio calls from jilted Yankees fans and ultra-cynical Mets fans, I came to realize something: Boy was I wrong!

I should have known all along -- there are plenty of excellent reasons why Carlos Beltran will fail! Here's my list, with regards to the fans who helped set me straight:

1) The Yankees didn't want him. Well jeez, isn't that reason enough? If the Yankees don't want him, he must not be good, right? I mean, think of all the great players they've added in the past few years -- Javier Vazquez, Jason Giambi, Mike Mussina, Alex Rodriguez -- all champions... Or wait, umm....

2) Shea is not a hitters' park Of course, this is particularly applicable because Beltran is solely a power hitter. Sure he's got a career .284 average, steals 30-40 bases, and hits 30-40 doubles per year. But the only thing we fans care about home runs. So what if he doubles and triples the hell out of the ball? Triples are so BORING! Mets fans want more one-dimensional stars like Jeromy Burnitz, Dave Kingman, George Foster, and Mo Vaughn! Ahhh Mo Vaughn... now there was a star!

3) It's hard to play centerfield at Shea Stadium No one who watches the Mets could disagree with that assessment. With a cavernous outfield and deep power alleys, you could run for days and not get to some fly balls. Ask Mike Cameron. But really, what makes Shea so tough is the wind -- at least, that's what one WFAN caller said on Sunday night. And, you know... the more I think about it, the more I realize he's right. Because I don't think Carlos Beltran has ever dealt with the wind before. I'm pretty sure he's played all 885 of his Major League games inside a dome, right? Isn't that how he got his reputation as one of the best defensive centerfielders in the game?

4) He won't be able to handle the media The New York baseball media is as tough as they come, although maybe not as obsessive as Boston's and not as unforgiving as Philly's. And we all know the long list of MLB players whose careers have been failures because of their inability to handle the media: Let's see, there's Randy Johnson and Eddie Murray and Barry Bonds, and Steve Carlton... All bums!

5) Carlos Beltran hit .267 last year Nothing is a surer sign of a player who is washed up than when his average dips 40 points. I know that despite that he hit 38 home runs, 36 doubles, stole 42 bases, and drove in 104 runs. And I know he hit over .400 with 8 home runs in last year's playoffs. But let's get real: the playoffs don't matter! What matters is that the Yankees didn't want him! And Shea is not a hitters park! And my astrologer told me Saturn would not pass through Ursa Minor this year, which clearly means that the Mets drastically overpaid and Carlos Beltran will be a flop!

What? You don't buy that???

  • How will Carlos Beltran do as a Met? E-mail Mike Casey
  • Read Newsday's Carlos Beltran coverage. Click here.