Thursday, September 30, 2004

'Fantasy' baseball

Don't mind me. I'm just daydreaming about the baseball playoffs. You remember last year, don't you? When everyone seemed to be watching every game of every series? I-Rod holds on to the ball at home? Foulke blows the lead for the A's? Boone? Bartman?

October is usually a time (for me anyway) of hockey, football, and rooting against the Yankees. But this year, I think I'll have different interests. Hockey is gone -- maybe for good. (But don't believe anyone who says that, they haven't got a clue about professional sports). Football is always compelling, but I can put even Kurt Warner's wife on the backburner for more compelling storylines. And if things break the right way this October, oh the storylines we'll have.

Here's my dream scenario:

In typical Dodger fashion, L.A. pulls an El Foldo in the final days of the season, blowing a three-game NL West lead and allowing San Francisco to slip past them on a Barry home run with two outs in the ninth. Houston and Chicago tie for the NL wild card, setting up a one-game playoff, Clemens against Wood. Rocket strikes out 14 and goes eight innings before abruptly declaring he's retiring with the game tied at 2-2 in the ninth. Moises Alou (can you smell the irony?) belts a game-winning single to send Chicago into the postseason.

In the AL, Anaheim and Oakland are tied going into the last game of the season; it's Hudson against Washburn for the West Division crown. Vlad Guerrero cracks three home runs, erasing a four-run deficit as Anaheim heads back to the big show. Meanwhile, Boston makes the bumbling Yankees sweat it out till the final day of the season before getting blown out against pesky Baltimore to hand the Bombers the crown.

Now, it's on to the playoffs.

Atlanta meets Chicago, and since I can't think of any possible reason why anyone would want to watch the Braves any more than they'd have to, let's root for a three-game Cubs sweep... Mark Prior goes nine innings to nail down the series. Greg Maddux forgets which team he's on and leaves the country immediately after the series to begin his customary early-October vacation.

St. Louis takes on the Giants, and it's Barry vs. Albert. Pitching staff X vs. Pitching staff Y, where X = lousy and Y = who are these guys? Pujols & Co. battle Barry to a fifth game, where the Giants load the bases against Jason Isringhausen down two runs in the ninth. Edgardo Alfonzo lines a double to left-center, here comes the throw from Edmonds, Barry's chugging around third... The slide.... SAFE! Bonds' elbow pad is later found lodged in Cardinal catcher Mike Matheny's head.

Yankees vs. Minnesota: We've seen this before, haven't we? Due to a bizarre contractual clause, David Wells is allowed to pitch Game 3 for the Yankees, going eight innings and striking out nine. The sweep is complete!

Boston vs. Anaheim: In the battle of the only two teams with a shot at upending the Bombers, the Red Sox go down two games to love on a Chone Figgins suicide squeeze of David Eckstein in the bottom of the ninth. Derek Lowe leaves Game 3 trailing 9-1, but Manny and Ortiz go deep over the Green Monster to win it in the 11th. Vlad throws out his back hacking at Tim Wakefield's knuckler in Game 4. And in Game 5, Schilling dominates and the game is scoreless after eight. Orlando Cabrera drives in the winning run after robbing Troy Glaus in the top of the ninth.

We've set up a Cubbies-Giants matchup in the NLCS, which features Barry Bonds against the best pitching staff in baseball. Bonds jacks five homers in the series, but can't recover after a grown-up Jeffrey Maier (now a Cubs fan, by the way) reaches over the right field wall at Wrigley to steal a home run in Game 7. Derrek Lee renews his role as NLCS hero with a bases-clearing triple to seal the series in the bottom of the ninth. After the game, MLB announces the installation of 15-foot chain-link fences to surround the stands at Wrigley. Maier sells Bonds' would-be home run ball to Steve Bartman, who in turn sells it to a Chicago bar for $5 million, moves to Aruba, and retires a rich man.

In the ALCS, Pedro plunks A-Rod in Game 1, Brown punches out Varitek in Game 2, and in Game 3, the teams use 16 total pitchers in a 19-18 marathon. Byung-Hyun Kim is the emergency starter for Boston in Game 4, and appears to have everything well in hand, until allowing a pair of solo home runs by Gary Sheffield and Alex Rodriguez give the Yanks a 3-1 series lead. The series moves to the Stadium, where the Pinstripes try to keep the Curse alive. Derek Jeter has a chance to tie it in the bottom of the ninth, but Boston's Bill Mueller makes a diving, head-first catch on a foul pop into the stands, breaking his nose and chipping a tooth. Schilling shuts down New York in Game 6, but the Yanks take an early lead in Game 7 against Pedro. El Duque takes the lead into the ninth for the Yankees; Rivera for the save. With two outs, Trot Nixon cracks a three-run homer down the left field line, sending all of Boston into revelry.

In the All-Cursed World Series, the Cubs jump out to 2-0 series lead before Schilling and Pedro tie it back up. Maddux is shelled in Game 5 to put the Sox just one game away from the title. But in Game 6, Kerry Wood is seen eating Baby Ruth bars in the clubhouse before the game, then strikes out 22 and and hits two home runs in a 3-0 win. Game 7 moves the series back to Wrigley, where Schilling meets Prior. In the 11th inning, it's tied 0-0 when Doug Mientkiewicz bombs a two-run homer off Joe Borowski to put the Red Sox on the precipice. Closer Keith Foulke gets the first two outs, but Chicago gets a pair of clutch singles from pinch-hitter Greg Maddux (series ERA: 45.00) and Corey Patterson. Nomar comes to plate with the series on the line. On a two-strike count, he hits a little roller along the first base line, behind the bag. Millar coasts over to pick it up but steps on the ball, breaking his arm. Maddux and Patterson score and all of Addison is in hysterics. Pedro relieves Foulke to face a slumping Sammy Sosa. On a first-pitch fastball, Sammy clocks one into the left field bleachers. "I don't believe what I just saw! Touch 'em all, Sammy! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!"

Somewhere Harry Caray smiles.

Somewhere George Steinbrenner shouts.

But there is no joy in Boston. They should have taken Pedro out.

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